Silver Shore
by FallingArtist
Summary: Following the events of "Make me love you" the rebels reclaim Ice, Clarke and Lexa start a new journey together and they work out their issues, getting closer again. But they can't avoid Polis and Arkadia forever, they'll have to go back at some point and decide what to do about the broken Coalition and the fractured alliances among the clans.
1. Gonplei Odon

**A/N: _Silver Shore_ takes off exactly where _Make me love you_ left us, I hope you enjoy! **

**I decided to split the story in two because I realised it's gonna be longer than planned and it makes more sense to divide it in at least two acts (maybe even three? we'll see). I hope you like this second part! Lexa and Clarke will interact more and more as the story goes on and never forget that YES, clexa is, of course!, endgame. I decided to explore more of the Ice Nation with Lexa as to give her time to get close to Clarke again so we're not going back to Polis and Arkadia yet! Enjoy it while it lasts because canon-ish assholes await back in Arkadia.**

 **On a sidenote, I posted this story on Ao3 some time ago and I'll keep posting on there first, so if you can't wait you can always look for my profile on archive of our own, the name is the same.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 _ **Recap:**_

 _Clarke left Camp Jaha after destroying the Mountain and wandered off in the woods until she crossed the border without knowing and found herself in the cold land of the Ice Nation._

 _There she meets the rebels and she learns that the Ice people are not responsible for the reputation of their nation, the Queen is, and she's responsible for a great deal of pain caused to the Ice people as well. The rebels fight the Queen and Clarke decides to join them after finding new friends in Cristallo, the village that offers her shelter. That's how she meets Aeryn, who welcomed Clarke in her home, and Wit, the cheerful guy who tells her about the rebels, Nyx, the rebels' leader and one of the best fighters in the village, Malaya, the broody girl and very skilled warrior, Liri, an ex warrior of late King Kyr, Chayim, Faith and many other rebels._

 _Together they start the Ice rebellion and prepare to fight the Queen, they travel to gather rebels from all around the country and bring the Ice people together for a final war against the cruel ruler._

 _Meanwhile, Lexa tries and fails to keep the Coalition together and finds herself facing a new threat of war, the clans once again divided in two for an old war between Trikru and Azgeda. When she learns that Clarke has been captured by the Ice Queen she leaves her people to prepare for war and leads a small army to Ice, after seeking the help of the Sky People, bringing Abby news on Clarke's whereabouts._

 _Trikru and Skaikru march together and meet a group of rebels who stayed behind to take care of the Queen's soldiers camped further down from the capital. That's how Lexa learns the Ice people suffer from the Queen reign even more than the other clans do. They join forces as Lexa convinces the rebels she's there to fight the Queen, not the people, and they march towards Ice together._

 _When they reach Ice they find the rebels have won the civil war and the Queen has fallen. Lexa is shocked to see Clarke alive and leading the army of rebels and Moon warriors. After convincing the rebels that Lexa doesn't mean them any harm, they accept to let the Commander, Trikru healers and a few Sky people into the capital._

* * *

 **Chapter** **One** **:** **Gonplei Odon**

Walking back through the city Clarke looks around and her mind fills with scenes from the battle, she imagines all the rebels who lost their life on those streets, all the Moon warriors who died, who bled out on foreign ground to aid old allies. She thinks about the young lives that didn't get to taste the victory they achieved, thinks of all the friends and family they have lost to get there.

They still don't know who's dead and who's alive, she still doesn't know who among her friends made it and who has left them to take her of the new beginning. The news of an army marching towards Ice didn't leave them time to check on everyone, Clarke can only be sure of the people around her. Nyx is alive, and for that she thanks whatever gods there might be. Faith is okay and according to the girl they might have to thank an enemy for that, Clarke is grateful anyway and she knows that so is Nyx. Malaya is hurt, but she'll make it, Chayim and Wit are both alive, Katarina, Liri and Ethan all made it. But Clarke still doesn't know the fate of so many and it's killing her.

Is Aeryn alright? Were she safe with the small group who stayed behind? Did Goral, Xavier, Kora, all the others she has lost sight of make it? Not knowing who they have lost is driving her crazy, she can see that Nyx is tense too at her side. Clarke knows it's both because of the uncertainty that haunts her too and because of the Trikru and Skaikru warriors walking back to Ice with them.

To be completely honest she is worried too. She feels guilty for being wary of her own people, she knows her mother only followed Lexa because the Commander promised to find Clarke. Still, she knows the people she grew up with, she knows all too well how they reacted to grounders, how most of them still don't trust any among the grounders. She's afraid of what they might think of the Ice people. She knows what Ice's reputation is, and even if that was only based on the Queen's actions and doesn't represents the Ice people at all, she knows many, probably most, won't be able to look past it. She hopes her mother will, but she knows better than to hope.

It's going to make it all worse that Clarke has no intention of leaving Ice just yet. Surely her mother will want to take Clarke back to Camp Jaha – or Arkadia, as Octavia said they now call it – and the blonde can imagine she won't be pleased at her refusal. Clarke can't just leave, she has a family in Ice now, a family she feels closer to than the very people she grew up with – she can't help but feel guilty about that as well, but Ice feels more like home than Camp Jaha or the Ark ever felt. She can't abandon them to rebuild their nation from the ashes of a terrible ruler.

Which brings her to another huge question mark, what are they going to do now? What comes next? She feels like they're about to take a step into utter darkness and they'll have to walk into it blindly. She vaguely hopes someone will step up and instruct them with what is to be done now, but she knows that's not gonna happen. The rebels look up at Nyx and her – Clarke has accepted that now – and they will turn to Liri for directions, but ultimately it will be another team work and they can only hope it will be enough.

She tries not to think about Lexa a few steps behind.

... ... ...

Lexa stares around herself in disbelief and clear respect. These rebels have managed to do what trained Trikru warriors have never achieved. She solved her people's problem by forcing the Queen into an alliance, but she was never aware of the conditions Ice people lived in.

The part of her that's not awed by the achievement of a few thousands of untrained civilians feels somehow guilty at never having done anything to help the people of Ice. If she had known about the rebellion, she would have offered her clan's support and the help of her warriors.

As she follows the rebels through the conquered capital she realises that, although they succeeded well without her help, she might have been able to cut many losses. She takes comfort in knowing her army eliminated the troupes they encountered entering the Nation, and she silently promises to the orphan kids that hide inside the houses, to the teenage boys and girls who carry on, supporting the weight of their weapons still after the long fight, to help the injured, to those who are bent over the bodies of loved ones, she promises that she will help them along the road they still have to fight their way into.

She looks at the silver soldiers, she hasn't seen a warrior clad in silver armour fight since she was a child. And she has never seen so many of them on an actual battle field. The Moon Clan answered to their old ally. And proved, yet again, to be an unstoppable force.

They progress further and Lexa watches the experienced ones among the rebels – the ones who were warriors before the reign of the Queen, the ones who had fought wars greater than this – as they stay strong, they don't pause to mourn, knowing the time for it is not now. She watches as the pride of Ice awakens in the heart of its old guardians.

But she also notices the fire in the young eyes that have just seen more death than ever in their lives. Hatan said Clarke has raised the fire below the ice and made it burn again, he said the Sky Princess has brought back the passion in the heart of wrought people and given Ice spirit back to its Nation.

It seems to Lexa that he was right. These young people might not be warriors, but they are some of the fiercest fighters Lexa has ever seen.

Many look at her with distrust, some with honest confusion, some with disgust, some only with a tired face. She offers to them all a respectful nod, trying not to pose herself as a threat.

She knows the battlefield very well, she's familiar with the aftermath of a war, she knows what needs to be done and which tasks to secure first. Yet she has a feeling she's never been on a battlefield quite like this.

There is something sacred in the air, as if a sense of holy. She knows the Ice people will remember this day for a long time, she knows they will think back to this day with pride and respect, reminding themselves what they had lost and what they got back with this civil war.

There will probably be many stories and songs about this, artists will aid the Nation's memory and commemorate the warriors. They will remember that the fighters who gave the people their nation back were no more than rebels. And they will know that rebellion is part of the essence of Ice. The rebellion against anything that threatens freedom.

Lexa has read about the ancient days of Ice, in those books the people of this clan were described much differently from what Lexa learned by herself. They were said to be lovers and fighters, passionate artists and silly children. This clan was said to be the joyous Nation where the ice glittered with reflections of its people's smiles. But most of all the Ice Nation was called the lands of freedom.

Lexa never understood where those definitions came from, so unfitting to the Queen's reign. Until now.

Now she can see the freedom shine in rebel eyes. Watching these people who fought for a nation everyone else had already forgotten, Lexa can picture the ice glittering with smiles.

And one smile in particular will join the ice, because she's sure her name will create stories of its own and the Ice people will never forget the person who gave them back the fire to burn the frost.

There will be no knight in the stories sung by artists around the clans, but a princess who defeated the Queen herself.

Inevitably her gaze shifts to Clarke. The woman is walking ahead with the rebels leading their group, Lexa's eyes fix on the back of her head.

Clarke is not wearing the blue leather jacket Lexa is used to see her in, she has Ice clothes and an incomplete light armour on – it is as if someone had stripped some of the pieces off and Lexa, not knowing that Clarke lost them to the guards in the Queen's prison, figures the woman might have taken them off right after the battle. A sword and a hatchet strapped to her side are all the weapons Lexa can see, though Nyx's dagger is strapped safely on the front of her belt.

Again, Lexa feels the relief, that seeing Clarke brings, wash over her. Clarke is alive. _I didn't kill her._ It's like finally being able to breathe properly after months of aching lungs. Clarke likely hates her still, but at least she's alive, at least now Lexa is with her and she can make sure Clarke also stays alive.

Lexa's heart soars at the sight of the walking strong woman ahead, and at the same times cries out for what is to come. Sooner or later Clarke and Lexa will have to talk, a part of her can't wait any more, but a greater part is utterly terrified. How can she face sky blue eyes, how can she beg for a forgiveness she is not allowed to ask? How can she make Clarke understand how sorry she is, when she can't apologise for her actions?

How can she obtain pardon without repentance?

Can she really leave with the constant ache of the crushing knowledge that Clarke hates her? With her heart hurting everyday, incessantly, with no hope for leniency, how can she survive years with such a burning hatred for herself waking inside of her day after day?

How can she serve her people when she resents the Commander for the love that never got to pass? How can she be Heda when Lexa cries out inside of her, louder every day? How can she silence her heart when it fills her head with screams and yearning?

But Clarke is alive, and for now that balsam is enough to soothe the voices screaming in her mind and the pounding in her heart.

... ... ...

They are in the palace, Clarke didn't get the chance to check on the others yet, but Chayim has left earlier promising to come back with news.

Ethan and Hatan are updating each other on what happened and Liri is talking to Indra about the war. Abby hasn't stopped asking questions and Clarke is grateful to Nyx for handling all of them.

Lexa is the only one who has remained silent the whole time, she's listening to everyone, but she hasn't spoken a word yet and it's starting to unnerve Clarke a little.

"You did it", Hatan voice startles Clarke out of her quiet observation of the Commander and she turns to find him looking at Nyx and her with pride.

"You two led us to victory. And it's thanks to you if they followed, Wanheda".

Nyx scowls at him for calling Clarke that, but he says that she might be the Commander of Death after all.

"She did save Ice from it".

He smiles and Clarke offers a smile back, still cringing at the unpleasant title.

"You led them?" Octavia repeats, incredulous.

At that, Nyx smiles proudly, "She did".

Clarke chuckles and protests, "I just helped you lead them, you did the hard work".

But Nyx shakes her head, amused smile in place, "You brought them here. I told you, you gave Ice its passion back".

Lexa is staring at Clarke, the surprise in her eyes much dimmer than the others', the pride much brighter. Her expression matches Nyx's, but Clarke ignores it.

The grounders look at her with respect and fear, her own people reserve her only surprised looks, but her mother looks torn.

Clarke can see the doubt on Abby's face, the relief of seeing that Clarke is alive and the mistrust for these people her daughter has allied herself with. Clarke sighs thinking of how her mother will react when she'll realise Clarke hasn't built an alliance, but found a family.

They are interrupted by Chayim's return, Nyx meets him half way as she notices the tears in his eyes.

He whispers something and it's just loud enough to catch it. Nyx, Clarke and Katarina immediately run out with him.

"Goral is dead".


	2. The dead are hungry

**A/N: First of all, thanks to my beta :)**

 **We get another look at Ice culture and traditions, how do Ice people mourn their dead?**

 **Next chapter will take some time, my journalism course is starting soon...**

 **I mostly use the italic for sentences written in English but meant to be in another language, be it Trigedasleng or Italian. And if there are no " " it's someone's thoughts.**

 **Come find me on tumblr (username is justawordunsaid) or on twitter (Sara_NobodyO)**

 **If you like it, please leave a review! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Two: The dead are hungry**

Clarke and Nyx turn the corner of the palace running and come to a harsh stop at the scene awaiting them.

Nyx falls on her knees, hands frantically grabbing her friend's arm, while Clarke stands right behind her, a hand over her mouth to silence the sobs about to break free as her other hand holds Nyx's shoulder tightly.

Kora is bent over Goral's lifeless body, her armour only partially discarded, she is shaking with sobs and still pressing down on the bleeding wound on her friend's chest. She's yelling at him and she shakes him from time to time, the idea of letting go unbearable.

Clarke watches, tears falling silently on her face, as the others catch up with them. Katarina stands at her side, Chayim kneels down with Nyx, his hand coming up to wrap around the girl's arm, Hatan stays a little behind with Ethan and the others who followed, while Liri slowly kneels at Goral's other side and gently moves his hair from his face.

Her mother's voice brings back Clarke's lucidity as she points out Kora needs tending to her wounds. She turns to nod at Abby and notices Lexa, several feet behind. She stands still, watching respectfully, her face solemn as Clarke remembers. Her expression shifts slightly when Clarke looks at her, her face softening, her eyes showing sadness and understanding, she doesn't offer a smile or a nod, but her eyes send a gentle warmth to Clarke's heart and the rebel quickly turns away.

She clears her throat and forces herself to lift her eyes from Goral's closed ones and look at Kora's wounds. She's bleeding from various cuts and there are many bruises forming on the patches of skin showing. She tries to be quiet and gentle as she leans down to touch Kora's shoulder, but the girl just shrugs her touch away.

"We need to tend to those wounds, Kora" a voice that is not Clarke's says.

Liri moves to the girl's side and forces her up, holding her arms down as Kora fights back.

Nyx is still holding on to Goral's arm and doesn't move to help Liri, Clarke can see that she is too lost in some darkness to register what is going on around her, but Katarina immediately steps up and eventually Clarke is able to take a look at Kora's wounds.

The girl is still shaking with sobs and screaming, fighting to go back to Goral's side, but with Abby's help they manage to at least clean and bandage the deepest cuts. Then Kora flings herself back on Goral's body and they don't try to move her again for a long time.

Clarke doesn't know how long it's been, but at some point Wit and Malaya are with them and someone has guided away Abby, Octavia, Indra and Lexa. She's crouched behind Nyx, holding her shoulders as the rebel cries freely.

When Faith gets there, Clarke and Malaya immediately rise to their feet, reaching out for the younger girl, but unsure about what to do. Faith stops abruptly and lets out a scream as she sees the horrible confirmation of what another rebel told her earlier. She collapses between Liri and Malaya and stares with wide scared eyes at the body of their friend. For long minutes she doesn't cry, she looks like she's holding her breath, trying to understand the death in front of her, then it all comes crushing down on her and the first sob rips free and she lets herself fall into Liri's arms while Malaya holds her from behind.

Faith's arrival seems to finally break Nyx out of her trance and she straightens up, leaning back against Clarke for a moment, gathering her strength back, pushing down the exhaustion, before she stands, walks up to Faith and leans down to take the girl in her arms.

Soon, Clarke, Malaya, Katarina and Liri stand, unwilling to leave, but aware that there's too much to take care of. They leave their friends to mourn a little longer and walk back into the aftermath of war.

... ...

Clarke and the other women walk back into the palace to find Hatan explaining what happened on their side of the battle.

The rebel tells them how the Commander helped to fight the soldiers and subduing the Queen's army. He adds that Trikru and Skaikru also took care of the troupes heading south and the only soldiers left to worry about are the ones who escaped the fights.

Liri decides they'll take care of their dead tomorrow and hunt down the remaining soldiers the next day.

"Today we need to rest", she says.

Clarke knows she's right, the first thing they need to do is regain strength.

When Lexa offers the support of Trikru, Clarke feels her stomach turn, she's reluctant to say anything and is grateful when Malaya expresses her distrust.

Hatan protests, insisting the Commander would be of great help and that they need all the support they can get. His words earned him a snarl from Malaya and Ethan tries to stop the impending fight.

Clarke knows, rationally, that Hatan is right, they do need all the help they can get, but she's not sure how useful it could be, the help of someone they don't trust. Even taking Lexa out of the equation, Trikru still believes Azgeda to be like the Queen's men and the Ice rebels know that there would be no trust whatsoever between the two and Clarke is not sure how that could work out.

The matter is pushed aside by Nyx's entrance. The rebel strides into the room and cuts it shortly saying they'll consider it, her voice like steel. She urges everyone outside to help the injured and the people of the capital.

Clarke tries to make sure she's okay before they leave the palace, but Nyx avoids her eyes and rushes out into the streets.

... ...

As the day comes to an end, Lexa agrees to go back to camp, under Nyx's suggestion and Malaya's insistence but leaves Indra in the capital with the Trikru healers. Clarke asks the Sky people to go back as well, but Abby refuses to leave her, so it is arranged that Abby, Octavia, and Lincoln stay in the capital while Bellamy is sent back to be in charge of the Skaikru guards. he's not happy with the decision, but Clarke is deadly set on him keeping an eye on his men, though she avoids openly expressing her distrust. There is this uncomfortable feeling in her stomach that something bad is going to happen and she hates to doubt her own family, but the feeling arose when she first saw Skaikru weapons.

Clarke also avoids her mother for the rest of the evening, not ready to face the other feeling twisting in her chest. The Sky people don't feel like her people anymore.

... ... . ... ...

That night the rebels mourn their dead at dinner. Liri ordered them to rest, but no one feels like going to sleep, although they're all completely worn out. They all know the moment they close their eyes they will see the deaths of all the people they lost, they will be fighting for their life again, there will be blood and maybe this time they won't win the war. The younger fighters are terrified of what sleep might bring. Liri and Ethan assure them they won't dream anything, they lack the energy to.

Clarke knows how they feel. She remembers the first kill, she remembers how her innocence haunted her after she destroyed it and sacrificed it for her people's safety. But she has no wise, strong words for them. She knows they have to face it on their own, understand on their own, move on on their own. So she simply sits among them and shares their sorrow, silently offering her understanding.

Kora is still a mess, they have to force her to eat something and she looks like she might throw it up anytime. Malaya's wound looks very bad, but she stubbornly refuses to go to rest before the others. Wit is laying down on some furs close to the fire, like Malaya he doesn't want to leave his friends, but he can barely stand so Chayim confined him to lay down on the ground.

Nyx's gaze is lost in the fire, sometimes it emerges to sweep over her people, but her expression is dark and Clarke knows she's questioning every choice they made, she's wondering if they could have done better, lost fewer people. There is no point in thinking it over again and again, so Clarke takes her hand and holds it firmly, hoping to ground the girl who seems so lost in responsibilities too big for her young spirit.

Aeryn is looking over Wit and Clarke can see her hands slipping into his and Malaya's, Wit takes Chayim's, who then holds Xavier's, who gently squeezes Kora's, on her other side Rokh does the same and then carefully holds Jivin's injured hand, Katarina grabs the uninjured one and offers her other hand to Jasmine who then links her other one with Nyx. Clarke is not surprised when Malaya closes the circle by taking Clarke's other hand in hers, but she is vividly aware of the huge meaning of the gesture.

Clarke looks over at the other rebels and notices that there are spaces between their bodies, as if they were still waiting for their fallen friends to join. There is no space between their linked hands, and Clarke knows it is because Goral wouldn't be sitting with them, but dancing in the middle of their little circle. And he is, he's dancing in the fire in front of them, and if they listen closely they can almost hear his laugh.

Kora, Xavier, Wit, Jasmine and even Rokh are crying silent, the tears making no sound as they slide down on Rokh's cheeks. Clarke can see restrained tears in Aeryn and Chayim's eyes too and the pain in Malaya's, but she is surprised when turning around she finds Nyx's cheek only slightly wet. She's not really crying, but now and then a tear slips down and slowly runs along her cheek. Clarke holds her hand tighter and leans her head on her shoulder, offering her presence when there is nothing else to give.

Xavier is the one to break the circle of linked hands, he wipes the tears away forcefully and sits up straighter.

"This is not what he would want" he claims. "Goral loves celebration, he loves music and laughter, he would want us to celebrate our victory, his victory!"

He stands up to address everyone. "We are Ice people! We don't mourn our dead, we celebrate them!"

A weak laugh comes from Wit as he attempts to sit up, Chayim trying to stop him. "He's right", he whispers, because his voice breaks when he tries to talk louder, "Ice tradition is to celebrate our dead friends, not to drown in sorrow".

Clarke watches as Xavier keeps talking, inviting the people to follow one of their most beautiful traditions. Eventually, everyone at their fire is convinced, even Malaya stands up.

"Tell her", Wit points at Clarke with a smile.

Chayim laughs and it's Aeryn who addresses Clarke.

"Ice is not a Nation for sorrow, I told you, we like to enjoy life. And you don't honour one of us by crying over their death, you honour them by doing what they always loved while alive. We enjoy life for those who have passed away, we do it for them and in their memory. We drink, we dance, we eat, we do whatever it is that our dead ones loved doing".

Clarke thinks it's beautiful.

"I know it might seem wrong, to many of you, celebrating a death taken by violence instead of nature", it is Liri who addresses the people this time. She comes up behind them with Ethan, both their armours partially cleaned. "But our friends didn't succumb to violence, they fought and lived for freedom and their death is not the end of that freedom, but the conquest of it!"

She raises her beer and earns some shouts of agreement in return.

"For those of you who had never been to war before", Ethan takes it from there, "it's time to learn how warriors say goodbye. We celebrate the same way we'd do at home, we eat and drink and dance and tell stories for those who can no longer do that in our company. The next day we burn the bodies and bring the ashes and the spirits back to the family. We laugh and sing and live for our friends who can no longer share that with us".

"Our friends did not fall in battle, they rose with their fight", Liri speaks up again. "So raise your swords and raise your drinks for those who rose for us and for our Nation".

Again the rebels shout their agreement and this time everybody stands to celebrate the dead.

Goral loved beer and fun, so they dance and they drink, and they sing his ballade.

~~ _Ice has found his roar again in the moonlight._ ~~

~~ _Ice found its pride again and claimed its freedom, people sang their hymns again and children learned about our festivities properly. And on the day that followed the victory, a new song was heard coming from the heart of the Ice sons and daughters._ ~~


	3. Small reunions

**A/N: Been gone for a long time, I know. Thing is, I really struggle to find time to write. My journalism course is taking up all of my time (though I'm proud to say, I'm literally making a newspaper). To add to it, I'm also working on queer stories for a short stories collection, for kids and young adults so, yeah, busy busy busy time.**

 **I'll hopefully get something done over the holidays.**

 **You know the rules, italic's for sentences supposed to be in another language (Trigedasleng or Italian) and if there are no " " it's somebody's thoughts.**

 **Still on Tumblr (justawordunsaid) and Twitter ( Sara_NobodyO)**

 **I still read the reviews, so if you like it leave one!**

* * *

 **Chapter 3:** **Small reunions**

Aeryn slips her hand into Clarke's to lead her back to a tent. Most people have retired to get some rest by now, some are asleep around fires, probably to avoid dreaming alone.

Nyx is the only one still awake and still staring into the flames, they have tried to move her but not even Aeryn has succeeded. Clarke doesn't want to leave her alone, but, when she catches Liri's nod as the woman approaches from one of the surrounding tents, she finally lets Aeryn gently drag her away.

Once alone Clarke doesn't know what to do, she just looks to the ground, leaving the first move to the other woman.

Aeryn moves to stand in front of her and lets fingers ghost over the blonde's cheek.

"I thought you were going to die," she whispers.

Clarke doesn't have an answer to that, so she just tightens her hold on the other's hand.

She was going to die, she expected to, was supposed to, but once again Wanheda fooled death. Sure, this time things worked out a lot better, but still she wasn't able to save everyone. They attacked before time to save her and maybe, if they had waited for the Moon soldiers instead, some of their friends would still be alive.

Aeryn sees in her eyes the same darkness that was in Nyx's, Clarke just seems more familiar with it, less caught by surprise. It makes her heart ache and she reaches out again to caress her face.

"You and Nyx are strong, you saved an entire nation together, but neither of you is almighty, and that's okay. Our people follow you because you are human, because you burn with their same passion, not because they think you can do anything.

"There is no way of saving everyone in a war. These deaths would have happened anyway, except they would have been senseless without you two and there would have been many more."

Clarke looks up and knows that her friend is right, but there's an ever present darkness in being a leader, the shadow of death hovers like a cloak around your shoulders and it's up to you who it befalls.

She nods anyway and leans her forehead against Aeryn's, hoping to reassure her.

A soft "hey" is whispered and Clarke smiles.

"Hi," she breathes back.

Aeryn lays a feather like kiss on the corner of her lips and whispers, "Let's get you out of these clothes."

Clarke allows Aeryn to undress her and some time later - when the armour is set aside and the clothes are thrown away, ruined and torn - they both lie on the bed, just barely touching each other.

Aeryn wants to talk, to ask, to make sure that Clarke is going to be okay, she wants to touch the woman at her side, to reassure herself that she's there, she's alive, she didn't die.

But Clarke is worn out, physically and emotionally, so Aeryn holds back her words and her hands.

Instead it's Clarke who reaches out, tugs Aeryn closer and promises, "tomorrow."

They fall asleep holding each other, but rest doesn't come easily to either of them.

* * *

Clarke has been working with the healers all day. They met the Nyx, Liri and Hatan as soon as they woke up. Soon after, Clarke and Aeryn left to help the healers, despite Nyx's protests that they needed Clarke among the decision makers.

She promised Nyx that she'd be around after lunch, but she needed to sort out the emergencies first. Many barely survived the night, and if she can help it, they're not going to lose any more people today.

She's been in the medical area for hours, the sun is high in the sky and soon enough Aeryn will drag her away to make sure she eats something. She girl has been keeping her eye on her all morning, bringing her some breakfast and making sure she took a couple of short breaks.

It seems like the worst has passed for now, there are still people at risk of not making it, but with healers from three different clans she is confident they will be okay.

Her mother has been helping, Clarke saw glimpses of her every so often, but the blonde has been trying to avoid her as much as she could and she's been incredibly successful until now.

Abby is drying her hands with a cloth as she strides towards Clarke, her mind set on talking to her daughter.

Clarke tries her best to find a way out, but, before she can call over a Moon healer to have an excuse to stay away from her mother, Abby is behind her, her tone firm as she tells her they need to talk.

"Don't even think of coming up with an excuse," she says as Clarke takes her time turning around.

"Hi, mum. This is not a good time, there are still a lot of people to..."

"No, Clarke. You've been avoiding me since I got here. I thought I would have to face the Ice Nation army to get you back, but when I got here you were leading said army. I thought you had been captured, I thought you were going to die. I wasn't even sure we would have been in time. Then when we finally found you, you were leading a rebellion. And not only you've acted like we're strangers, I never even got an explanation."

Clarke tries to stop her, but Abby is not done.

"Do you have any idea how scared I was when you didn't come back to Arkadia? Can you imagine how terrified I was when the Trikru Commander come to tell me that you were prisoner of the Ice Nation?"

"Fine, mu-"

"You're going to talk to me and you're going to -".

"Abby! I said fine. Let's sit down somewhere," Clarke closes her eyes for a second before walking out of the med area.

When they sit down in a small square somewhere in the city Abby stays silent and Clarke knows she's waiting for her to start explaining.

"I didn't mean to end up here. I didn't mean to end up anywhere, when I left Camp- well, I suppose it's Arkadia now," she shrugs without really looking at her mother. "I was only thinking about getting away. I couldn't stay, I couldn't live with myself. And, God, the thought of seeing those kids.

"I killed their parents, I killed all of them, mum."

Abby tries to reach out to her, but Clarke holds up a hand.

"I just couldn't stay. But I also wasn't planning on going anywhere in particular, just wandering around, waiting-"

She stops herself in time, but her mother finishes the sentence for her.

"To die. You were waiting to die," her voice breaks a little, but Clarke chooses to ignore it and nod instead, resuming her story.

"Somehow I covered more ground than I thought and I started heading north. I didn't really have a direction, so why not? Turns out when it starts getting really cold, the forest is not a nice place.

"Long story short, Aeryn found me and helped me get back on my feet. I was in Cristallo, her village. A lot of the others also come from there, and that's pretty much where it started.

"Queen's soldiers attacked one day and I helped fight them off, which kinda got me introduced to the rebels. Eventually I started training with them and somehow I sort of became head of the rebellion alongside Nyx."

Clarke sighs again, her hands going to her hair.

"A lot of things happened after that, really a lot. Yes, I was captured, but Nyx and the others rescued me before the soldiers could even take me to the Queen. I did see her dungeons, though, but that was way more recent and again the rebels saved me even when I made it clear I didn't want them to.

"It also turned out that the Moon clan wasn't really backing the Queen, but merely keeping the alliance for the sake of the Ice people, so when we asked for their support they sent warriors and helped us win the battle."

She raises her eyes to look at her mother.

"As I said, a lot has happened, too much for me to explain it all. But the one thing that sums it up is: I've found a family. I've found somewhere I belong, somewhere I was able to start over, people who helped me found myself again. For the first time in a long time, I actually believe that I'm going to be okay."

And as she says it, it strikes her that it's true, she's going to be alright. She has Nyx and Aeryn and Malaya, she has Wit and Chayim and Faith, she has Xavier and Liri and so many people that she can call her own.

A weird feeling washes over her as she speaks the words out loud. A peaceful calm, she doesn't need to run anymore and the need to _just get away_ has finally left, her heart feeling a little bit lighter because of it.

Abby is holding back tears as she tucks Clarke's hair back, letting her fingers caress her daughter's cheek.

"I'm glad you're okay, Clarke."

Clarke pulls her mother into a hug, softly, hoping to avoid the other conversation a little longer - she's in no rush to have her mother realise she's not going back to Arkadia.

"Me too. I've missed you, mum."


	4. Disagreements and decisions

**A/N:** **This discussion turned out waaay longer than anticipated, so I** **'m gonna publish it alone.**

 **Would you look at that? It's not been too long since the last chapter ;)**

 **You know the rules, italic's for sentences supposed to be in another language (Trigedasleng or Italian) and if there are no " " it's somebody's thoughts.**

 **Still on Tumblr (justawordunsaid) and Twitter ( Sara_NobodyO)**

 **I still read the reviews, so if you like it leave one!**

* * *

 **Chapter 4: Disagreements and decisions**

" _We should consider it,_ " Liri says slowly, anticipating the protests she's going to be faced with.

"The hell we should," Malaya steps in immediately.

" _Have you forgotten who she is?_ " Meike adds. " _There is no way we're gonna let our number 1 enemy 'help' us._ "

" _I'm not saying we should trust her, I'm saying we should consider the Commander's offer. Hey!_ " she raises her hand and calls everybody to silence.

" _Listen to me for a moment. There are still a lot of supporters of the Queen out there. They might try to put together some forces, they might try to find allies in other clans. Either way, it's best if we take care of them right away. If we move fast we might catch them before they have a chance at hiding or running._

" _If we're smart we can secure our nation and then focus on a fresh start for our people. Yes, we have some Moon warriors. But the Trikru are skilled fighters, their reputation in battle is as good as ours._ "

She holds up her hand again, preventing a fuming Meike to intervene.

" _The Queen has always been their enemy. The Trikru Commander wants her men dealt with almost as much as we do. Of course we need to be careful, of course we're not going to trust them, but right now we have a common enemy._ "

" _Yeah, Clarke can tell you what happened the last time the Commander had an enemy in common with another clan,_ " Malaya quips in, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Liri grits her teeth. She seems to take a breath to hold her irritation back, but before she can speak again someone else does.

" _If she had wanted to take Ice, her chance presented when she met us. But instead, she helped us take care of the soldiers,_ " Hatan states calmly.

" _You know, that doesn't sound too counter productive. From her perspective she took out the trained soldiers before dealing with the rebel fighters,_ " Katarina points out with a barely there smirk.

Hatan can't come up with a reply fast enough, but surprisingly Chayim speaks next.

" _The Trikru aren't too many. The Commander only brought a very small army. We can separate them in small groups and side them up with Moon and Ice warriors. That way they will be outnumbered and they could be handled in case this temporary alliance goes wrong._ "

" _You don't work well when you can't trust your team,_ " Raoul interjects.

" _But it's not a totally bad idea,_ " he adds.

Malaya throws him an icy glare.

Everybody keeps arguing, but Clarke tunes them out, her gaze falling on Nyx, who's watching them all, apparently lost in her own thoughts.

At some point, Clarke got very good at reading Nyx's expressions and the one she's wearing now is not the absent one that means her head is not in the conversation. The expression she has now means she's well aware of what everybody is saying and she's considering every comment.

Clarke has a feeling that her friend is trying to make a difficult decision. And just as she realises that, she also realises what they're going to do, how this discussion is going to end.

Nyx is calculating the risks and the advantages, she's considering how much they can afford to trust an enemy clan and how much they can afford refusing the offered help.

And Clarke knows what conclusion she will reach, because they've both known since Lexa offered, but they weren't willing to acknowledge it.

They don't know for certain how many supporters the Queen still has out there. They will need to go after them and at the same time have troupes protect the capital. Some rebels will need to go back to their villages in case the Queen's men attack civilians. Even with the Moon warriors and the Trikru soldiers the task would still be a difficult one.

They need all the help they can get.

Which, for Clarke, brings up another issue. What happens if her mother offers to help as well? She might think that the gesture could make Clarke more keen on going back to Arkadia. If that happens, what is Clarke going to advise to her friends?

She's shocked to realise that she's more willing to risk trusting the person whose betrayal haunted her sleep for months than to risk entrusting her new family to the Skaikru.

She tells herself that it's because at least the Trikru are - or rather were - part of the Coalition and they're grounders like Azgeda. There's more respect between those old enemies than between grounders and Sky people.

She tries to convince herself that's the reason, but somehow the issue keeps bugging her for the rest of the day.

She sees the exact moment Nyx accepts her own conclusion. The rebel straightens up and her hand rests on her dagger.

Clarke tries not to notice the similarity with Lexa, who would always grip her weapon when making a decision.

When Nyx speaks for the first time since they got together that morning, Clarke is once again amazed by the way everyone immediately falls silent to listen. Nyx really is a natural leader - she doesn't pause on how she herself causes the same reaction.

" _You are all right. We can't trust her. We can't afford to refuse help. We need to watch our backs. We need to find the remaining supporters of the Queen, we need to hit them fast and hard._ "

Malaya is already glaring daggers at her, but Nyx ignores her friend. She looks at Liri and receives a nod from the mentor, then she turns to Clarke. Her expression is apologetic, but she's also looking for something, consent.

Clarke nods her head, albeit reluctantly. Nyx offers the smallest of smiles before addressing everyone once again.

" _We will accept the Commander's offer._ "

"Nyx," Wit says slowly from his seat, still too weak to stand up for longer than a few minutes at a time.

She holds up both her hands as people start fighting back.

" _At our own terms. We're not going to expose ourselves any more than what is necessary._ "

Malaya and Meike turn to Clarke, trying to get her into the discussion, expecting her to protest.

But Clarke sighs and looks to the ground before finally voicing her support. " _She's right, we need all the help we can get._ "

She's sure Malaya is ready to throw insults at her, but she doesn't give her the chance.

" _You know I'm the least happy about this! Do you think I trust her? Do you think I wouldn't prefer never seeing her again?_ "

She pauses after that, something inside her whispering that, in fact, she wouldn't. She shakes her head to clear it from the confusing and upsetting thoughts about to surface.

" _We need all the help we can get,_ " she repeats firmly.

" _The Commander has a trained army. I don't think conquering the Ice Nation was ever on her agenda. She wants the Queen dead, we all do, but I-_ "

She trails off, taking a deep breath and asking herself is she's really going to defend Lexa.

" _I don't believe she would attack the Ice people._ "

She puts her hands in her hair.

 _Damn it._

" _Listen, and please don't make me say this again because it makes me feel sick. She's better than what we give her credit for._ "

She can't believe she's saying this, but the voice inside her head urges her to tell the truth. She might resent Lexa all she wants, but she knows the Commander cares about her people, about all the people she united under the Coalition. She might say the opposite, just for spite, but she knows better than that.

She's known since Lexa walked into the capital, she's watched her look around at the poverty, at the misery of some houses, she's watched her look at the massacre, at the corpses and she knows that Lexa was questioning whether she might have prevented it - if only she hadn't allied with the Queen, if only she had come to Ice herself and seen the condition of the Ice people, if only she had been there for her people.

Clarke knows those thoughts have been haunting Lexa during every night she has spent in the Ice Nation. She doesn't like to acknowledge that, but Ice has helped her to heal, and now they need her to heal Ice. She knows that Lexa can help with that. She needs to put her feelings aside, the Ice people, her people are the priority now and her next words could change the outcome.

" _You all know that she betrayed my people. She betrayed me. Do you know why I hated her so much, why I still resent her like this?_ "

She doesn't wait for an answer. " _What I did at the mountain makes me no hero, makes me no leader, no saviour. It makes me a monster._ Wanheda _does fit me, in the most terrible of ways._

" _I couldn't come to terms with what I did. Instead I blamed her._ "

" _You had no choice, she did,_ " Meike protests.

Clarke laughs with no humour. " _Yeah, I know. But I did have a choice. I had two options and I couldn't have lived with either. I chose my people. That was my choice, not hers. Yes, she's the one who put me in that position, and, yes, she betrayed me and left my people to die. But I'm the one who pulled the lever._ "

She considers whether she should stop, not ready herself to hear any of this out loud. But then she looks at Nyx, who's staring at her with a mix of sadness, anger, pride and care. She knows that her friends have her back, physically and emotionally.

This will hurt, but she has people who will catch her.

" _Lexa and I-_ "

She stops, at a loss of words. Nyx is the only rebel she ever told this to - the only person really, the only other one to know is Lexa herself. She looks over at her friend once again and she catches sight of Aeryn behind her, just standing to the side. Clarke doesn't know how long she's been there but it suddenly makes her afraid.

It's weird because Aeryn will understand, Aeryn never judges, Aeryn makes her feel safe, yet Clarke is afraid of what she has to reveal next.

To some extent, she suspects Aeryn already knows, she's intuitive like that, but it still doesn't entirely reassure Clarke.

Eventually she takes another deep breath and speaks again, switching to English in hope to feel more comfortable.

"Lexa wasn't just an ally. Her betrayal hurt all the more because it was personal. It was stupid, I was stupid, but I let myself get attached. We spent a lot of time together when we were preparing for the attack. I guess I-

"At times it felt like she was more open, like I could see the person behind the armour. And there were indeed moments when she would let me get a glimpse. The person I saw...

"I liked that person. I liked Lexa, not the Commander. And I thought we were getting close."

She stops, sounding stupid to her own ears.

"You were falling for her."

Surprisingly the soft voice doesn't show a trace of judgement, instead it almost carries understanding, and shockingly it belongs to Malaya.

"I don't know. I didn't get to find out," she lets her eyes fall to the ground for a moment.

When she looks up again Malaya's eyes are on hers, surprisingly gentle.

" _That's also why her betrayal hurt so much. I do resent her for betraying my people, but there's also a personal reason._ "

She doesn't say anything about the fact that it was Lexa who pushed them closer, Lexa who implied something could come out of it.

" _And that shouldn't cloud my judgement._ "

She straightens up and concludes, " _No, we can't trust her. But I believe it would be safe to take her help. She formed the Coalition, she sacrificed a lot for it and she cares about all the people she united under it. The Skaikru were not among them, we were not grounders, but the Ice people are._

" _And I don't think there are a lot of people Lexa hates more than the Queen - not after what the Queen took from her. I believe she'd do anything to end her reign._

" _Nyx is right, we need the Trikru to finish this once and for all, to secure Ice and start to heal as a nation._ "


	5. A silver blue night

**A/N: Not much of Lexa, but we'll see more of her in the next chapters.**

 **You know the rules, italic's for sentences supposed to be in another language (Trigedasleng or Italian) and if there are no " " it's somebody's thoughts.**

 **Still on Tumblr (justawordunsaid) and Twitter ( Sara_NobodyO)**

 **I still read the reviews, so if you like it leave one!**

* * *

 **Chapter 5: A silver blue night**

Clarke was given an armour by Liri, a blue and silver armour. She wanted to protest, but Wit anticipated her, " _You are one of us and this is an official ceremony, we all wear our Nation's symbol_."

Instead of objecting, Clarke closed her mouth, accepting the great honour that was being offered.

Now she's trying to get into said armour. It's elegant, but just a little too complicated for someone who isn't too familiar with battle gear, so Aeryn is helping her, the girl herself wearing a long icy blue dress that matches her eyes. The Ice symbol sits proudly between her shoulder blades and features on the small belt hugging her waist.

White paint adorns her face, forming a different design than the one she carefully traced on Clarke's face. Her eyes are barely touched by the paint, which is mostly restrained to her forehead. There are patterns on her hands as well, which represent her role as a healer in the recent battle.

On Clarke, instead, the paint circles her eyes, expanding to her whole face, complicated lines touching Clarke's chin and ears, marking her as a protector, a warrior.

When Clarke brought up war paint and the odd scars that Ice soldiers wore, Aeryn explained that the Queen is the one who introduced that use. Ice tradition does include war paint, but only for wars fought to protect the Nation against a foreign threat. More commonly, white paint is used in celebrations and official ceremonies.

The ritual scars were an ancient tradition from times of constant conflict, when Ice was always fighting, they proved a warrior's loyalty to his leader. The Queen brought the tradition back as a sign of her soldiers' commitment to her.

" _Something else the Queen tainted,_ " Aeryn had said with a sad smile.

Now, as she struggles a little with a piece of Clarke's armour, Aeryn offers a soft smile framed by her blue lip paint.

Clarke is going to tell her just how beautiful she looks, but before she can find her voice Malaya walks into the tent with Faith. Both of them are wearing the same armour Clarke is still trying to put on.

Malaya looks absolutely deadly and positively stunning, the only missing part of the armour is the helm and her hair, free from it, fall in long waves down her back, framing her face beautifully, at contrast with the silver details of the armour.

All four of them are wearing white paint. Faith is vibrating with energy, a proud smile threatening to ruin the solemn expression. The girl keeps looking down at herself, obviously excited about her attire.

" _Damn, Clarke, you were born to wear that armour._ "

Clarke smiles at Faith, still too surprised and grateful about wearing the armour to really care about how it looks on her.

Malaya stays silent and moves closer to Clarke. She reaches out to take the last piece of armour from Aeryn and looks at Clarke for permission, when the girl gives a shy nod she fixes the shoulder piece in place and steps away to give Clarke a once-over before nodding proudly.

The three of them remain silent until Wit peeks into the tent and limps in, smiling at them.

" _Ready for the ceremony?_ "

They all nod, Clarke and Faith visibly nervous.

Aeryn gently holds Clarke's hand as they leave the tent and she only lets go when they reach the pyres.

The sun is just about to set and all the Ice people in the capital are gathered around the pyres, the Moon warriors among them. Together they fought and died, now together they burn their dead and grieve.

Nyx and Liri are waiting for them in front of the biggest pyre and when they get closer Liri offers her torch to Clarke, stepping to the side slightly.

Clarke looks at it confused, then turns to her companions. Malaya and Chayim nod at her, Aeryn and Wit give a little smile, Faith's eyes widen.

Nyx only spares her a solemn look and turns to face the pyre waiting to be lit. She takes a step forward and raises her torch.

Clarke knows what she's going to say only because Ethan explained the ritual to her earlier.

" _For Ice they lived and fought,_ " she says loud enough to reach most of the hundreds of people gathered around them.

She then turns around and looks at Clarke expectantly. Clarke frowns a little and is thrown off when Liri, Malaya, Ethan, Chayim and Meike are all nodding their head towards the pyre, urging Clarke to join Nyx.

She hesitates a moment longer, then steps closer to the other rebel and raises her torch. She thinks she might be trembling, but her voice is strong and firm when she speaks the second part of the sentence.

" _In peace may they move on._ "

Nyx gives her a nod of approval before stepping close to the pyre and Clarke knows she has to do the same. They light the pyre together and people follow to light the others.

The sun is setting the sky on fire and the reds and yellows and oranges seem to blend into one burning blaze.

The fire of the pyres reaches high and merges with the flaming sky, like a wide beam for the dead to ascend.

" _At sunset the flames of the dead touch the ones above, so it's easier for the spirits to find their way to the freedom of the sky,_ " Clarke remembers Malaya saying.

From where Clarke is watching, so close that she feels the heat burning her face and melting the white paint, is looks just like that.

She tears her eyes from the powerful display only to chance a look at Nyx, who is staring into the flames in a way that must be hurting her eyes and blackening her vision.

She shifts her gaze back to the sky and behind her Aeryn starts singing.

"Mi son svegliato in un paese invaso.

Ho passato un altro giorno in cerca della mia libertà."

Everybody joins in and starts linking hands. Malaya grabs Clarke's right hand and Clarke feels the lyrics leave her mouth, learned in the cold mornings spent in the woods during their journey.

"Ho combattuto, ma non come un soldato senza volontà.

Ho rinunciato alla salvezza in favore del fervore."

Nyx reaches out to take Clarke's other hand.

"Ho combattuto, con tutta la forza della mia coscienza,

con tutta la volontà che non hanno potuto strappare.

Non c'è sacrificio, ma soltanto scelta,

non ho un'armatura, ma posso farne senza."

Nyx turns to Clarke and squeezes her hand to get her attention. She keeps her eyes on Clarke as they sing the next bit to each other.

"Tutto ciò che mi serve è di fianco a me,

è la forza di chi crede, di chi non si arrende."

The fire roars in front of them and soon Clarke feels Malaya tugging them back to stay at a safe distance from the flames reaching for them.

All around people are singing and a simple touch links them all.

"Mi riprendo la mia libertà e non muoio senza.

Combatto perché vivo,

c'è fuoco dentro me."

When the song comes to an end there are a few moments of silence before another one starts in front of some other pyre.

The third song is started by a Moon warrior, it's not from Ice tradition, but everyone seems to know it all the same.

It's in the middle of the fourth song that Clarke notices a figure standing at the edge of the space they cleared for the pyres.

Standing at a respectable distance, Lexa is only recognisable to Clarke because of her red sash.

She doesn't make a move to get closer and doesn't seem to notice Clarke. She just stands there and Clarke knows it's just part of her new understanding of people she was never aware of.

When they stop holding hands, Clarke feels Aeryn's hands come to rest on her shoulder as she lays her head on Nyx, the rebel still not letting go of Clarke's hand.

Clarke looks at them, all of them – Faith is being hugged by Chayim and Wit, Meike is holding Kora, Katarina has an arm around Malaya's waist and even Ethan is leaning slightly on Liri. And Clarke knows, once again, that she has found a family.

She doesn't know when she started to fit into their dynamics, but if someone asked them they'd say they didn't even have to make space for her.

Clarke doesn't know all the songs, but she's positive she will by the next official ceremony.

When she turns back to glance at the edge of the clearing, Lexa is gone.

... ... ... ...

Lexa follows Indra through the streets of the capital in search of the rebel leaders.

From what Indra heard they might have come to a decision and the general urged her Commander to speak with them before the day ends.

They don't find many people in the city and when they ask the few who stayed behind, they are addressed in the direction of the fields north of the capital.

Unaware of the ceremony and with the vague explanation that the rebels were gathered for dinner, they make their way to the clearing and stopp when they see the fire.

Now understanding the occasion, Lexa sends Indra back to the camp, but lingers herself.

She stands far enough from the pyres that she doesn't think anyone could notice her and watches enthralled as the Ice people start singing.

She doesn't know much about Ice traditions before the Queen, but she's quickly learning that her people's assumptions are incredibly wrong.

She isn't able to spot Clarke among the many heads and she wouldn't know to look for her among the armour-clad warriors.

She stays there for a while and leaves after the fourth song ends. She will ask some Ice person about the ceremony later, for now she takes her leave as silently as she came.

She wonders about Ice ceremony to burn the dead. Contradicting their reputation once again, the ceremony seems much more lively than the Trikru one.

... ... ... ...

When the sun is done setting and every pyre has had its song, people start moving out of the clearing to set up dinner back at the camp.

Some stay behind to guard the pyres and say their personal goodbyes. They will take turns throughout the night and no one will go to sleep before the sun rises again.

* * *

 **Here's a rough translation of the song lyrics:**

 **"I woke up in an invaded country,**

 **I spent another day in search of my freedom.**

 **I fought, but not like a soldier without will,**  
 **I renounced safety in favour of fervor.**

 **I fought with all the might of my conscience,**  
 **with all the will they couldn't take away.**

 **There's no sacrifice, but only choice,**  
 **I have no armour, but I can do without.**  
 **All I need stands next to me,**  
 **it's the strength of those who believe, who don't give in.**

 **I take back my freedom and I don't die without it.**

 **I fight because I live,**  
 **there's fire inside me."**


End file.
